


i'll count to a million heartbeats

by charizella



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Break Up, Domestic Fluff, Falling Out of Love, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, I'm Sorry, Longing, M/M, Miya Atsumu is a Little Shit, Sad Ending, SakuAtsu, SakuAtsu Week, Sakusa Kiyoomi-centric, This isn't happy, Unrequited Love, What Have I Done, You Have Been Warned, happy miya day, sad sakusa, sakuatsu day, sakusuffer for breakfast amirite folks???, soft boyfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:55:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26834053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charizella/pseuds/charizella
Summary: Sakusa doesn't keep track of time when he's with Atsumu, instead, he counts the beats of his heart. And it doesn't take one heartbeat until Atsumu proudly says "I love you" back to Sakusa. Until it does, more than once, in fact.And legend has it that Sakusa is still counting to this day.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 16
Kudos: 122
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	i'll count to a million heartbeats

**Author's Note:**

  * For [inoko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/inoko/gifts).



> this is a falling out of love fic, if that's not your cup of tea then go on in your merry way.
> 
> but if it is, then you're in for a ride!
> 
> this fic was inspired by a tweet from the lovely sakusa rp acc on twitter: @sakukiyoo  
> https://twitter.com/sakukiyoo/status/1306475207125798912

Sakusa doesn't have a sense of time when he's with Atsumu, and only when he's sitting so still and quiet is he able to count the beat of his heart. At first it was fast and nervous, like the trickle of rain past the eye of the storm. Like when Atsumu is the last to wake up and join the breakfast table in the morning. His eyes half-lidded and morning hair disheveled as he sloppily pulls out the dining chair across the table from Sakusa and his voice deep and rough as he greets, "Morning, Omi-kun!"

And as the moments slip by slowly and naturally, so does Sakusa's heartbeat. It takes two beats and a sigh for him to grudgingly greet Atsumu through gritted teeth followed by a comment on his morning breath; one beat for Atsumu to retort a quick "But you love me~"; and none until Sakusa gives in and sighs because he knows that Atsumu was right.

But that was a long time ago. And this day marks exactly a month from the last day that that had happened. It seemed like Atsumu just woke up and realized something. And Sakusa was too afraid to ask, because deep inside, he already knew.

Another afternoon filled with rigorous training has ended and Sakusa had just finished showering for the night. He'd always go back to the dorm earlier than the others just so he could be the first to shower and still have time to clean up the dorm before Atsumu, Bokuto and Hinata arrived.

In the corner of the bedroom, there lies a suitcase collecting dust bunnies. That was the only part of the dorm that Sakusa didn't bother cleaning. The sight of it itched his eyes, but the fact that he wanted none of it to exist weighed more to him.

He opened the closet that he shared with Atsumu, and the depressing sight of it being half empty was something he couldn't seem to get used to seeing. But he ignored that sinking feeling in his chest that started eating him up from the inside and continued on folding his clothes neatly and sorting his socks in the correct order.

He'd just finished dusting the shelves before he heard a knock on the door, and to his surprise, only one person entered. It was Atsumu, and he sprayed his hands with alcohol (as per Sakusa's instruction) before he threw himself to the couch, sighing loudly.

"Only you?"

"Yeah. Tobio-kun crashed right as you left and we met Keiji-kun on the way here."

"Hmm." Sakusa hummed as he placed the cleaning materials back into a box and hid it in one of the shelves.

Sakusa sat beside Atsumu and placed his palm on and intertwined his fingers with the older's. A heartbeat passes, then another, then five more, yet Atsumu doesn't move a muscle.

Sakusa closed his eyes and reached twenty-one until he felt something move beside him. Atsumu's other hand, warm and feebly shaking, was raising each of Sakusa's fingers that held on Atsumu's. His touch was gentle and delicate, almost too slow and careful not to hurt Sakusa's hand. But not slow and careful enough to not hurt his heart.

 **Thirty-five, thirty-six, thirty-seven,** Sakusa continues on counting without opening his eyes. It didn't even make sense to count anymore because the beating just keeps on getting faster and faster. Atsumu removes Sakusa's hand from his. And it took all of Sakusa's remaining power not to break down by this seemingly tiny but significant gesture.

* * *

_In Sakusa's mind he can vividly see Atsumu smile at him from the other side of the net, pointing at him and loudly complimenting his nasty spikes. He would mostly feel indifferent whenever Atsumu did this, but that day, on the finals of the spring interhigh of his third year, his last game as the captain of Itachiyama Academy, he found his heart swayed by the words of the lad in front of him._

_"One day, we'll win together. But today, I will."_

_The words of the Inarizaki captain resonated with Sakusa. And despite him being mostly annoyed or indifferent by Atsumu, that was the very moment he started to look forward to seeing him again._

_He knew it didn't start off with getting his feelings involved, but alas, that was inevitable._

* * *

**Forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty…** Memories played back in Sakusa's head in an attempt to deny the display of disinterest by Atsumu. He desperately grasped every bit of memory in his head like catching rain with his bare hands.

* * *

He remembered the time when the upper half of the bunk bed he shared with Atsumu broke and he had to sleep beside him for a week until they got it fixed. But even after that, Atsumu would still sleep beside Sakusa. Neither of them questioned this gesture and Hinata and Bokuto teased them about it since then. But Sakusa didn't exactly know why he let Atsumu sleep beside him for all the nights that followed, at least not back then.

**Sixty-seven, sixty-eight, sixty-nine…**

Then there was the time that all of them except Sakusa got sick with the fever. Bokuto went to stay at Akaashi's place, which was not that far. And Kageyama picked Hinata up to do the same. Sakusa didn't bother letting Atsumu crash into Osamu's place and Hyogo was too far away for him to travel back home. So the two of them stayed at the dorm.

Atsumu was relatively quiet for those four days. And Sakusa got to see this side of him more as he was the more talkative one for the better part of the week. Sakusa asked about the most random and mundane things, in his attempt at socialization and getting to know the sickly lad in front of him, and Atsumu delivered with his honest answers. 

The two of them were alone for the longest time and maybe it was then when Sakusa found himself falling for Atsumu, and the way his favorite flower was sunflowers. The way he tries his best to force out a laugh in Sakusa's attempt at cracking a joke, or when he actually genuinely laughs. The way Sakusa lets him play with his curly hair, braiding it in every direction. The way he would put two of his fingers down and put each finger forward as if his hand was walking towards Sakusa's before grasping the back of the younger's hand. The way his eyes would twinkle on the first bite of the food that Sakusa had prepared, and it would last until the end, and then he would ask for more.

**Eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one…**

And there was their first date. The reservation was a failure but their date was anything but. They ended up sitting on the table by the bathroom, which wasn't particularly nasty, nor it was clean, but was easily distracting whenever staff members would go in and out whenever they would clean the dishes. The food itself wasn't the best, Atsumu exclaiming that Sakusa's cooking was far superior (which caught Sakusa off guard yet still flattered because he expected him to compare it to Osamu's instead.) 

And they ended up walking around around the cold Tokyo midnight and settling down in a 24-hours open ramen restaurant at 2 AM. They sat outside beneath the stars, and to Sakusa's surprise, Atsumu recognized most of the constellations in the sky. He explained that it was a bet between him, Osamu and Sunarin back in high school about who can memorize most of the constellations in the sky (Because they caught Kita-san pointing at them one night and muttering their names under his breath.)

Atsumu's favorite constellation was Orion, because he was brave and proud. No wonder it was, Sakusa thought. That was a night neither of them would forget until the end of their days.

**109, 110, 111...**

There was also that one time where Atsumu brought home a cactus and a succulent, and named them Omiomi and Tsumtsum respectively. He said that they were mostly low maintenance, Sakusa took extra care of them anyway. He would catch Atsumu talking to the plants, telling them about practice, and his twin brother and his food, and most notably, how much he loved his own Omi-kun. Sakusa didn't know if Atsumu knew that he could hear him, but he didn't bother him about it. He puts on his earbuds and pretends to be listening to music while Atsumu chitchats away with the plants. And when Atsumu finally caught Sakusa eavesdropping, he swears that it helps the plants grow, and all that he said was true.

**123, 124, 125...**

He also remembered how he would wake up in the middle of the night with the other half of the bed empty. Confused and generally disoriented, he still got up and was welcomed by the smell of burnt popcorn in the kitchen. Atsumu let the popcorn cook in the microwave for too long and they had to throw it out. 

Sakusa, pitying the boy in front of him who likely got used to his twin being the one to make their midnight cravings, cooked up a batch of pancakes and they watched various romantic comedy movies until dusk. They mostly made fun of the cheesy antics and tropes, but that morning, Sakusa fell asleep wondering if he _did_ know what true love was like.

_Love is when someone lets you share more of the blanket when you're cold._

_Love is when you make heart-shaped pancakes while half asleep in the middle of the night because the other is hungry and can't cook because he has always relied on his twin brother for food._

_Love is when someone brings home a couple of houseplants and names them after the two of you, and you catch him talking to the plants about how much he loved you._

_Love is when your share of the closet is mostly shirts and sweaters that you don't own but despite that, you still wear them regularly._

_Love is when someone sees right through the rigidness of your outside shell and accepts you for who you are._

_Love is when you don't even have to count to one heartbeat until he says "I love you more, Omi-kun." back._

_**141, 142, 143…** _

* * *

But alas, Sakusa was only catching rain with his hands. He could only hold on to so much when he stands still. One movement, one distraction, he could lose a tiny splash, or even the whole lot.

He lost count at a hundred and forty-three because he could feel the weight of the sofa shifting beside him. Hesitantly, he opened his eyes like the sight would actually kill him. Then it did, almost.

Atsumu's back was facing him, and this only meant one thing in Sakusa's dictionary of Atsumu's body language.

_He was tired._

"Miya, are you—"

"I'm sorry, Sakusa."

There was a tone of finality from Atsumu's words that struck an unpleasant chord in Sakusa's chest. It pained Sakusa how swiftly and naturally his last name slipped through Atsumu's lips despite him never really calling him that since their second year of high school. It pained him how desperately he wanted Atsumu to say it more than he already had.

Sakusa stood up and left the dorm and jogged outside. It was sudden, he could admit, but anywhere was better than having Atsumu see the heart that he cared for being shattered right in front of him by his own words.

He took the stairs to get to the ground floor, almost skipping the final step but brushing it off anyway. He helplessly ran around the block, as if it'd help him outrun the impending heartbreak catching up behind him. Ignoring the world around him and only focusing on the sidewalk under his feet and the space in front of him.

When he surpassed the same street corner for the third time in fifteen minutes, that's the only time he stopped running. He took in quick and sharp breaths and crouched to hold on to his knees. He looked straight ahead at the blonde-haired boy a few meters ahead of him, who only stared right back as he held on the trolley suitcase behind his back.

From this distance, Sakusa stared into Atsumu's eyes that were devoid of feeling. What once lit up at the sight of Sakusa's deep black eyes that complemented his own, was now gone. 

Four strong heartbeats that Sakusa could feel to his fingertips had passed. And once again, Atsumu's back faced him.

Sakusa doesn't move a muscle, he ignored the world surrounding him and could only helplessly stare at Atsumu's silhouette that continued to get smaller and smaller by the horizon. Until what once was Atsumu's light had disappeared when he turned to the right and disappeared behind a building.

Once again, Sakusa felt defeated. Hopeless. Alone. He knew exactly why Atsumu left, but he wished he didn't. He wished he could get mad at the blonde-haired boy for leaving him in the dust. He wished he could chase him, and beg him to come back like how they usually did in romcom movies. He wished he could've learned how to love him back sooner.

And as if the universe couldn't mock him more than it already did, rain started to pour, getting Sakusa damp in the middle of the sidewalk. It was only then when he realized his thighs had started cramping, it was probably because of the sudden run he took off.

He walked back to the dorm and took to the stairs again, just so he could let himself focus more on the pain in his legs rather than the pain in his chest. But as soon as he arrives back at the empty dorm and opens the half-empty closet, all he could feel was the sinking, ever so unbearable feeling lingering inside of him.

And when he was in the bedroom, Sakusa removed his damp clothes and took one of the sweaters that he didn't previously own and put it on. It was yellow, made of thick wool with a simple embroidered sunflower on the upper left of the torso and "MA" in bold red letters on the other side. It was about his size, but he could only think about how it was a bit oversized when Atsumu was the one to wear it.

It was Atsumu's favorite.

Sakusa sat on the bed and covered his whole body with the weighted blanket that they used to share. He took a deep sigh and stared at the window, he couldn't bear looking inside the dorm when all of it reminded him of Atsumu. 

Drops of water raced down the glass and Sakusa started counting his heartbeats again. And he'll get distracted for a moment, when Bokuto arrives, followed by Hinata. But he ignores them and starts over. Whenever he would lose count, he'd start again. And again. And again.

The rain stopped a few hours later and Sakusa still hasn't stood up from the bed. And when the sky finally cleared up, he could see Orion shining brightly against the midnight sky. He really couldn't escape from the things that reminded him of Atsumu.

There was a note by the table on the side of the bed that Sakusa hadn't noticed when he was cleaning a few hours ago. His trembling hands reached for it, not knowing if he should because he knew exactly who wrote it down.

There, in large, shaky letters it read:

_**Take care, Omi-kun.** _

Tears started filling Sakusa's eyes, then he realized this was the only time he'd cried ever since he met Atsumu, which made him cry even more. He read the note over and over again as if that would bring him back. As if he'd read it a hundred times and Atsumu would magically appear behind him and he would run into his arms and kiss him over and over again. But it won't. Of course it wouldn't.

He encircled the doodle of a fox on the corner of the sticky note with his finger. He was laughing, or at least he thought he was, despite the endless stream of tears from his eyes. Every sob that escaped his breath was a dagger to his heart. It felt freeing for him to let out his feelings, but he knew this wasn't enough to get Atsumu to come back. It will never be enough.

Sakusa pressed the note against his chest and laid his back on the bed. He couldn't count, he couldn't breathe. It was hell. 

Sakusa's life was hell without him.

**_To the one who taught me love, I'm sorry I didn't learn on time._ **

Three heartbeats. _I love you, I’m really sorry, please come back._ Sakusa didn't know exactly which it meant. 

**_I'll wait for you._ **

**Author's Note:**

> well that was fun!! don't forget to leave a comment/kudos if you liked it~ it really motivates me to continue writing <3


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